Tasuki has a WHAT?
by Ron Weasley
Summary: Tasuki has a little something and the tale goes bad. But what does he have really? Gee. Warning. OOC galore.
1. What? What?

Disclaimers: I own nothing! Nothing!

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Chapter one: _**A WHAT?**__**

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**_It was a bright and lovely morning. The sun was out, the birds were singing, the flowers were blooming and the people were Chinese. Where the Chinese people existed, there was a palace. In the palace was a room, in the room was a bed and in that bed was a man! A Chinese man you see! A chinese man with bright Orange hair! He was called Tasuki! 

Tasuki was sleeping but since the sun was out and the people were Chinese, the sunlight got a little too bright for him.

'ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH TOO BRIGHT, TOO BRIGHT! STUPID MIAKA…STOP IT! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!'

The undignified Tasuki hollered as he thought that it was surely the evil Miaka who was taking advantage of the situation, prying his eyes open and shoving her torch into his face to wake him up till he heard the rooster's call.

'Cockle hoohoo arrrrrcck -BANG.'

'Cockle hoohoo.' Mumbled Tasuki as he got up to go back to sleep.

'cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep-'

'SHUT UP!' yelled dear sweet Tasuki.

'CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP-'

'SHUT UP AND LET ME SLEEP!' came Tasuki's clear sweet tinkling voice from inside the grand bedroom as fire spouted out of its window and birds in the vicinity died of third degree burns.

Three hours later, something happens to Tasuki. He wakes up.

'I'm a happy bandit! Yes I am!' Sang Tasuki. 'I'm gonna decompose Tamahome's face today!'

He got up and walked over to the mirror to get a look at his happy bandit face to greet himself a good morning and oh-what-a-fine-day-it-is-to-decompose-peoples-faces but when his eyes met his reflection, he cried. Oh he did.

'MUMMY!'

From his majesty's room, Hotohori was appreciating himself with admirable concentration when he heard Tasuki's cry of distress.

'Hang in there gorgeous! I'll be back...' drawled Hotohori, blowing his reflection a kiss as he strutted off in search of that particular lesser being.

Not to mention, everyone of them, being Suzaku seishis and all sorts arrived and congregated outside the victim's room in cool armed and ready to kill freeze frame poses for an estimated five seconds. In the midst of the tension, Mitsukake accidentally squashed an insect.

'Ew, there's blood all over your hand.'

'Sorry.'

Nuriko chuckled to himself. 'Tasuki needs my help!'

'There's nothing noda. I can't find anything noda.' muttered Chichiri as he walked around Tasuki's room trying to pick up extraterrestrial signals.

As the tension faded, the anti-climax behaviour began as Nuriko punched the door open and got it stuck to his hand just do things went on smoothly for everyone.

'We always told you to slide the door because we're in China and it's a bloody sliding door but NOOOOOOOOO! You NEVER listen!' said Tamahome in a voice which made Nuriko clout him. Being people without large wooden accessories, everybody except Nuriko entered the room without much difficulty.

'What happened?' questioned the group in unison (less Nuriko, he was busy trying to enter with his tenth century wooden bracelet) as they immediately focused their attention on the victim.

Tasuki was staring at his reflection in a way His Majesty would never have or will have and most likely in the near future not have done or be doing.

'TASUKI-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!' Nuriko's greeting turned into a shriek as he laid his eyes on Tasuki's face.

He brought his hands to his face, for that sort of dramatic expression to show that he was very and extremely surprised and promptly forgetting that he had a door bracelet, hit Chiriko in the face and thus the weak defenceless little boy with the weird hairdo fainted.

Tamahome laughed; anything that made Tasuki look bad was good and when Tasuki looked bad, he looked good. He was indeed, also laughing at Chiriko but as he had cleverly taken a position in which he was pointing at Tasuki with all his available fingers, suspicion was not aroused.

His Majesty stood there in mock horror, face betraying thought and feeling triumphant. Ah, how he had known. How he had waited. _L__ook at Tasuki!_ He thought, _h__e lives in a Mountain! W__ith__ mountain goats and__ all kinds of__ infectious people! __Oh how I have waited for this day!_

'I have never had anything that ugly crawl up my face.' Said Hotohori grandly.

Chichiri took the liberty to assume and claim that it was one of Nakago's psychic devices - 'We cannot be too sure Noda.' and jabbed it hard.

'It's a zit.'

At Miaka's revelation, all heads turned and they stared at their Mistress with attention deserving only of animes.

'A what?'

'Is it a disease?'

'What's that?'

'AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!…' Tamahome Laughed and laugh he did. The word meant nothing to him but he liked it in every bit of its alphabetical glory.

Tasuki weeped silent tears of manliness.

'How do you get rid of...zits?' Mitsukake inquired wisely.

'You'll see.' came Miaka's reply as she tried to fetch an aura of mystery to surround herself with (and make this a good enough cliff hanger for the story).

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It's crappy. So I re-wrote it.

Thank you very much. I love you guys for reading it!


	2. To Tasuki with love

Disclaimers: Not mine. Not mine. Only stupidity is.

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Chapter Two: _**All for Tasuki, Yeah Baby!**__**

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**_From where we left off, Miaka was desperately trying to find herself an aura of mysteriousness. Now that she realised that it has long since been over, she has had a change of heart. She tried to garner some evil. But she was naturally a good girl besides deserting her friend and pretending that she had not and that was such a mean problem that she fought a mental battle for nearly a quarter of an hour while her loyal seishis waited. 

The big thing was that Miaka used to have zits, and zits she had! Big ones, small ones, medium ones, medium rare, well done... and they would pop up like fresh daisies in her lovely five acre garden. Her face was a garden of daisies and oh how she despised it!

Tasuki cowered slightly as he felt the eerie aura she was currently emanating.

'What are you going to do?' he squeaked bravely.

'Nothing much…' came Miaka's sweet reply as twirled around in her cute little uniform.

'Don't worry…it's nothing like the ocean.' Miaka added.

Tasuki crapped his bandit pants. He thought of the options he had. None. Unless he burnt Miaka to a crisp! But that would be killing their only source of information on the evil currently dwelling in his face. What if Nakago suddenly erupted out of it?

Tamahome resumed his laughing at Tasuki. Not only had Tasuki grown a mutation, he crapped his pants too! Tamahome thought to himself. _This must be my day!_ But incidentally, his head fell off because he had laughed too hard. How it was possible was not known but it was not a bother as it had rolled over to Chichiri who can be assumed to be the first person in Chinese history to play football.

Miaka then beckoned for Nuriko to join her in her quest to banish the zit. Nuriko gleefully agreed, running heavily to the other side of the room where Miaka stood; on the side of justice. Nuriko, in his excitement, clomped on Chiriko as he ran over to join Miaka where she stood i.e. on the side of justice. Everyone gasped in shock but recovered quickly enough before decomposition occurred and did a jiggly dance to commemorate funky hair.

Once Nuriko and Miaka had joined forces, Miaka took out her evil bag of justice and rummaged through it savagely. When she had found all that was needed in the name of justice, she put them side by side on display for all to see. Then she struck a pose which smelt rightly of justice next to her display booth.

Item number one: The Hairpin ( Painful and medieval)

Item number two: The Facial cream (Result negative)

Item number three: Facial mask (Not to be used with blemishes)

Item number four: The bandage (Last resort)

Item number Five: The blindfold (The other alternative)

Item number Six: The goldfish (The therapy)

Item number Seven: The apple pie (Random)

Item Number Eight: The socks (Silencer; muffles screams)

Item Number Nine: The tissue paper (Cleans up messes)

Item Number Ten: The underwear (The back up sock)

'Wow…' muttered the Seishis as they slowly reached the end of the display queue, including Chiriko. Everyone screamed blue murder. They thought they did, but they actually and ran around like willies.

'Now Tasuki-chan…be a good bandit boy and come to Miaka…' Miaka cooed. The Suzaku Seishis who were quick to notice a an imposter Miaka but rotten in picking out a phony member thought they noticed a change in her behaviour but soon thought nothing of it.

Rarely was Tasuki helpless in any sort of situation with his Tessen but that was a statement made to be proven wrong.

'I'm COMING!' Screeched Miaka. 'FOR YOU!'

Tasuki quaked in fear. That was definitely something he wanted to burn.

'Yeah Baby!' The Tamahome head made it clear to all who mocked him and thought him useless. He wasn't useless! He was able to cheer his foochie poochie Miaka baby on.

'WAIT!..' Tasuki hollered. 'Can we let Mitsukake do his heally thing first?' He scurried over to Mitsukake and hung onto him like Fungi or a very clingy plant.

'Welll… it's worth a try.' Miaka said looking crestfallen.

The Tamahome head glared daggers at Tasuki for making Miaka miserable. He was the emphatic and protective kind but was currently rendered quite useless as a head. Mitsukake tried wholeheartedly to banish the zit but it was to no avail.

Alas… it was not to be.

Tasuki, thrown into such confusion and deformation on such a lovely day felt that it was such an irony and became nearly as miserable as Miaka and he cried.

'I heal people with sicknesses, not undiseased things like zits.' said Mitsukake a little huffily, undeniably perturbed that he was clearly useless as he climbed into Tasuki's bed and promptly fell asleep. Sheesh.

'It like so did not work! It's my turn now!...' Miaka screeched as an evil girl about to mutate her friend's face would.

Miaka started digging Tasuki's zit out. It was disgusting but very much needed. Fret not. She was accomplished at this. She had too, for measure, taken his Tessen, thus, she was now, Lord! Then Chichiri, while nosing about for other extraterrestrial signs, found a sandwich in Miaka's backpack and began to eat it. It tasted pretty good to his Eastern tongue.

Then out of nowhere, came the birds which Tasuki had burnt in the earlier part of the morning. They had come back to life just to laugh at him. They sat on his windowsill and drank Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world. They then became drunk and were arrested for flying drunk.

Tamahome marvelled at the flying spectacle while Tasuki tried to squirm his way out of Miaka's grip to get his Tessen for it was rightfully his.

His nose was throbbing mad and those birds still had the nerve to laugh at him. He was going to make sure they never laugh again…Ever!EVER!EVER!EVER!

Then Chiriko rose from the dead.

'What's going on everybody?' said Chiriko with the voice of Barney and completed it with a nauseating Barney laughter.

Everyone screamed and beat him up.

Miaka sighed and looked wistfully at Tasuki.

'World, the time has come to push the button, I mean use those items.' Miaka said. What the hell was that! She thought and didn't really give a damn after that.

Everybody rubbed their hands in glee and because there was friction and Tasuki's Tessen, they caught on fire but it was soon put out by the birds and Carlsberg.

Tasuki screamed like a little boy who was screaming like a little girl.

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To Be Continued...

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Another crappy chapter which has been re-written. Unsuccessfully. Still! I love you for reading it! Flames are allowed. Goodbye dear people of the world!I am departing to marvel at McFly…See you!


	3. An Unchapter

**An ****unchapter**

Well…this isn't really a chapter.

I was just wondering if I should continue this fic or leave it to you guys to come up with your own ending because I really had a great damn block and still do. Skippety-doo-dah-deey!

I like Nuriko, who doesn't?

Oh well!

Goodbye people!

I love you all for reading my fic!


	4. As bad as it gets

Disclaimers: I would like to have a really witty and memorable disclaimer but sadly I am neither witty nor memorable, therefore my extremely normal disclaimers. I do not own Fushigi Yuugi.

I'm telling you now so you know. Do not read this if you hate rubbish and especially rubbish in words or literary rubbish like mine. Same thing really. I just wanted to give options.

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Chapter four: As bad as it gets.

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In case you haven't figured out, the OOC phase had begun long ago.

'Come here Tasuki baby! Come to Miaka mama! ' Miaka cooed.

'Miaka mama?' squeaked Tasuki pathetically before sucking his thumb and curling up into a ball next to Chiriko. 'Mama. Mama'

'Awwww. WHO'S A GOOD BOY! Who's a good boy? Tasuki is!' Miaka giggled as she watched Tasuki drown in quite a lot of mental trauma. Tasuki then started foaming at the mouth.

'He's foaming at the mouth.' Breathed Hotohori, thoroughly unhappy. 'And staining the carpet.'

He proceeded to pop the bubbles that Tasuki was making at incredible speed. By then, nobody knew whether Tasuki was unconscious or not as the bubbles were quickly taking over his face.

Chiriko and Tasuki were as unconscious as the other and it was pretty all right. However, Miaka being the cunning evil little girl that she had now become, had blatantly refused to do Tasuki's face in while he was unconscious. She was, simply put, being a nasty bitch.

'If I do that, he won't really feel the pain now, would he?'

For a bitchy girl, She waited for Tasuki pretty patiently. Not too long and as luck would have it, Tasuki and Chiriko woke up at the same time, screaming.

'NA KA GO!'

'Nani noda?'

'NA-KA-GO'S COMIIING!' Chiriko screamed waving his arms around frantically.

Chichiri suddenly stood up and in his eyes, everybody there at that very moment, saw the determination and ecstasy. Nothing short of God would have stopped him. He knew the time had come and that it was all up to him. Everything was at stake. He brushed away the manly tears which had sprung up in his eyes due to recent events dating back about five seconds and partially because the narration was extremely clichéd.

'Oh my flaming Buddha noda…' Chichiri's voice faded with dramatic effect as the light dimmed before coming back on along with a string of curses not to be mentioned.

'I ate a sandwich.' Chichiri said, balling his fists and looking at them in a very cool and angst filled anime pose. Everybody gasped and turned a united ghostly white. Nobody breathed for a long time and everybody almost died.

'And he wanted it.' Came the line which all with mortal ears feared to hear.

Then as suddenly as Chichiri had started the heightening tension, Hotohori spoke up.

'What makes you so sure that he wants your sandwich, not mine?' Hotohori whispered loudly enough for all to hear.

Everybody gasped again but did not die.

Miaka stared. It was just like the soap operas she had watched at home. Like 'Lovers unite' episode 437 when Takano was mistaken for a transvestite. Miaka sniffed, Takano had died the very next episode as an anti-gay campaign billboard had dropped on him and broken his leg. He couldn't take the pain and fell into a pond and drowned. The fishes ate his remains and his family never remembered him after that. The thought of it always made her feel philosophical or maybe she just needed Tamahome.

Chichiri laughed wisely but also very seriously and said that Hotohori must have been terribly mistaken and he cleverly mentioned that he saw no Sandwich in Hotohori's possession.

Then, It was Hotohori's turn to laugh in that very similar manner.

'Don't I?' Hotohori adopted a mysterious tone only used when one was terribly unsure.

'You don't.' said Nuriko bluntly.

'Don't I?' said Hotohori in a tone which showed how unsure he was.

'Oh don't I?' repeated he in a strangely high-pitched voice. He looked around furiously and stopped grandly at his dresser. On his face, a look of pure relief was written all over as he held the sandwich up for all to see.

'Here it is.' Tension mounted and nearly killed everyone again.

'Shut it the both of you.' Miaka snapped and to Chiriko and Tasuki she blustered 'Why should I believe you anyway? You weirdos!'

'Taiitskun told us in our heads while we passed out …'Chiriko squeaked.

Tasuki whimpered.

'Lousy old hag.' Miaka seethed. 'She could've stopped him for us couldn't she?'

'Told you didn't I! I told you! I knew it had to be something! And now he has come for the sandwich inside of me.' Chichiri said in a manner in which similarities could be drawn with an expectant mother.

'It was originally mine…mind you.' Miaka snapped.

She was feeling rather nasty, Miaka was.

'Sandwich…my sandwich…Nakago...sandwich…MIIINE…eat sandwich…no…sandwich…' Chichiri fainted, dropping all pretences and putting to waste all the drama and tension that had been building up.

Then they waited.

They sang songs.

They waited.

They clipped toenails.

They waited.

They threw toenails away.

They waited.

They baked cake.

They waited.

They ate cake.

'Chiriko honey,' Nuriko said slowly and carefully like he was speaking to a rather stupid child, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

As soon as Nuriko had finished asking his question, Nakago burst out of the closet wearing a corset, looking sexy, feeling sexy and being the sex.

'Speak of the devil.'

Nakago strutted to the other side of the room as if trying to tell with his bottom – my arse is fancier than yours. Hotohori and Nuriko understood all too well and sputtered indignantly.

'NO WAY. MINE IS' Said Nuriko and Hotohori in harmony. The both of them then looked at each other in sheer horror.

Then Miaka tripped Nakago.

'AHHHHHHHH.'

Nakago fell down.

Nuriko and Hotohori clapped. Nobody with a sexy bum would fall and land in such an embarrassing manner.

'Go away,' Miaka said getting down on her knees clutching her heart like she was having a heart attack.

'…What...WHAT have we done to make you do this to us?' Miaka then proceeded to sob uncontrollably.

'We were only trying to pick a…a ZIT!'

'But ...I …I didn't…what did I do…I…really... honestly I…' Nakago fumbled from his ungainly pose on the floor.

'Told you…he planted it…' Chichiri mumbled.

'He did not.' Hotohori retorted.

'Did too!'

'Did not!'

'Did too!'

'Did not!'

Nakago then stuck his fancy bum bum into Hotohori's and Chiriko's faces.

'WHAT!' Hotohori shrieked shielding his eyes from the sight.

'It Is true you know. I didn't plant that.' said Nakago matter-of-factly.

'Why won't you just go away?' asked Nuriko, extremely exasperated.

Nuriko kicked butt. Nuriko kicked bums and Nuriko kicked Nakago's fancy arse.

'All I wanted was some salt!'

Nakago then became one of those flashy shiny stars which Team Rocket become in every Pokemon episode.

Miaka giggled.

'NOWTASUKIWE'REBACKTOYOU!HEHEHEHEH!'

She took the bandages and had his arms and legs tied up.

'Now look at these pretty looking goldfishes…'

'No!'

'Look.'

'NOO! WHY SHOULD I!'

'BECAUSE!' She hit him on the head and placed the tank in front of him smartly.

He stared at the goldfishes, which had suddenly started to dart around the tank.

'Miaka…your fishes alright?' He turned his scary face towards Miaka as it was only polite to look at a person when talking to her.

'Shut up, uggly.' Drawled one of the fishes

'OH MY GOD!' Squealed Tasuki like a cheerleader. ' Your fish like spoke to me!'

'Don't be stupid.'

'Yeah, I think he looks stupid.'

'If he looks stupid, he is very likely, stupid'

'OPPS.' Said Tasuki slowly and deliberately as he kicked the tank with all his might.

It broke.

'Help! help us!' the goldfishes squeaked.

'Do you guys hear something?' Said Miaka feeling vague.

'No..no…nothing…do you hear something Heika?'

'Me?…no.'

'LUNCH!'

The birds flew in and ate them and drank Carlsberg, probably the best beer in the world.

'Helllp-

When Miaka finally found what she was looking for, she had lost three lives.

'Where are the goldfishes?' she asked thoroughly stunned.

'Goldfishes?'

'The goldfishes!'

'I like.' Said one of the birds.

'My goldia, goldlaine and goldferina!' Miaka shrieked and whacked Tasuki until she was satisfied.

'Now now, your zit needs more picked.'

Everybody crowded round and watched intently.

Miaka squeezed it.

'AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!'

'Holy shit! Keep it down won't you?'

She picked at it and squeezed it and played with it and watched all the mucky stuff flow out like sick.

'We're done now, all we have to do is wash it. Oh how I'll miss it.' Said Miaka fondly as she stroked the remains of the zit like a newly born baby.

Everybody backed out of the room and remained really scarce for the rest of the day. She took her Neutrogena, Biore and whatever facial washes there ever existed and washed his scary face.

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Multiple ending fic. Choose one – A, B, C, D or E.

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**Ending: ****A**

'AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhHHHH! TAMAHOME!'

'What is it my dah-ling foochie poochie miaka baby!' Sang Tamahome In E flat.

Tamahome pranced into Miaka's room.

'At last count, there were eighty four.' Said Miaka 'Do you think there'll be more?'

'I shouldn't hope so.' Said Tamahome as he fled to find another girl.

**

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****Ending: ****B**

'Good morning Tama.'

'MEOW.'

Tama screeched and jumped out of the window committing cat suicide.

Mitsukake looked into the mirror and committed man suicide.

**

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****Ending: ****C**

Hotohori's room: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHHHHHHH!'

Chichiri's room: 'NNNNNOOOOOOOOOODDDAAAAAAAAAAAA!'

Tamahome's room: 'TTTTTTTTTEEEEMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE!'

Chiriko's room: 'AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!'

Mitsukake's room: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!'

Pretty much sums up everything.

**

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****Ending: ****D**

'TEME! Its STILL THERE!'

'Aww.'

Everybody felt sympathetic towards poor bandit scary face but didn't really give a damn much later. Not that they really gave a damn in the first place.

**

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****Ending: ****E**

Nuriko, Chichiri, Hotohori, Tamahome, Chiriko, Mitsukake and Tasuki awaken.They do not have zits and their faces feel smooth to the touch, like a baby's bottom.

Hurray.

Except for Nakago as his face was neither zitless nor baby bottom smooth.

Nakago knew then that he was to lead a sad life.

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End.

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Right crap that is. Thank you for reading. I love you all.


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